It took me a while to get used to the fact that my husband had cancer,… and then we went from stage 1ish to stage 4 in 4 months and that set us reeling. And now, 5 months after that, we are told that he is cancer free.

I find myself destabilized afresh, this time by good news. And that makes me angry and ashamed of myself. I begged the Divine for such news; it is better than anyone was willing to say. Except I can’t let metabolize it, can’t get out of the defensive posture that I have hardened into, can’t lower the guard that I finally learned to hold.

People around me tell me that it will take time to process the bad news drama trauma of the last year, and that I need to be patient and kind to myself and my family members. Well, I’ve been scraping the bottom of that barrel for quite some time. And while I have developed an impressive ability to run on the memory of fumes, eventually this machine will stop running.

It feels newly solitary to be in this place because my community is elated for us, and I feel broken and exhausted. Maybe that’s the first step- setting down the burden and feeling the toll it’s exacted.